Stetching the Broken Heart

 I know I am late to the party. Three months late. So the topic is "stretch". Having MS I should stretch every morning. But I don't. I should drink my hot prune juice. But I don't. At least not every morning. Occasionally, at best. 

 Assuredly, I'm not the only human struggling with anxiety and depression. Completing everyday activities is always a stretch when in the cavern of despair. The surroundings of life contribute to my angst, but are not the whole of my pit. A diagnosis of moderate to severe depression is not a life sentence, more like a daily battle within. Invisible to most of those around me, the internal havoc reaches from the hairs on my head, to my twisted old lady toes.  I am aware that the folks closest to me, try. Try to reach me with their version of encouraging words. Or frustration over my lack of the ability to pick myself up and just get over it. 

David speaks often in the Psalms about the pangs of despair, doubting even the nearness of his God. Yet he is a man after God's own heart, penning psalms of praise and the greatness of our Lord. Both bring myself the knowledge of His nearness; whether I am in the pit or on the mountain. David, the man who dances in the streets, or grovels in his despair, he is the champion of those of us struggling to live in our disjointed heart.Whether I sense His presence. Or not. He is always near. Tho I fear much and feel alone; I know deep within He lives inside my broken heart.

Prayer: Five Minuet Friday

 Prayer

I have not written a word for what seems like a very long time. Bleary days of foggy brain have kept my mind distracted and my fingers still. Several times I have sat down and tried. Tried to write from my heart some words that would bring release. Bound by my own oppression, afraid to reach into the deeper parts of my heart. My soul. I allowed that blackness to silence the wailing  within.

The evil enemy whispering doubt. Fear. Worthlessness. Shame. Rage. Stifled by guilt and hidden even from the eyes of my own heart; seeping here and there in words, attitudes, anger. Circumstances pressing hard.    

And yet, there is always Hope, Hope unseen. Present in the black. The smallest cries, murmurers will be heard by Jesus. Barely more than a moan. He hears a prayer. He is present. I know. Hope peeks out from the mire and utters its Love.

I know.  

I will grow stronger. He will lift me from the mire. Courage will rise up. And each day will be a bit better.

Five Minute Friday:City

Night Life 

Lights 

Excitement 

Energy 

Beauty 

Monuments 

Concerts 

Baseball 

Lost Souls aplenty 

Broken 

Runaways 

Power 

Money 

Crime 

Hatred 

Searchers 

Just like in the country 

We all need Jesus 

Redeem hearts dear Jesus  

May Your Love abound 

Five Minute Friday: Teach

 A little late to the table. I am going to try and sneak this in. Yesterday was a day full of lessons. Even tho I prayed for a successful for first day of school for both boys, nagging doubts plagued my day. For the younger my doubts were minimal, mostly what did he have on under his sweatshirt. The older was beginning his ninth grade year in a new school. Different from the one he had attended since kindergarten. He needed the added support that the public school offered. His Christian school provided Godly teachers and curriculum, but did not have the resources required to move him through high school addressing his autism. 

Surprisingly when he came home he was light hearted with a positive attitude. With everyone one but me. He hated it and was NOT going back. I smiled, I had expected his backlash he directed towards me. Inside I rejoiced knowing the day had gone ok. 

The younger came home half good attitude and 100% hungry. God surprised my doubting heart. And I was grateful. 

Five Minute Friday: Accountability

 I tend to live a bit of a hermit’s life.  It can be cozy, but also quite lonely. Not much accountability either. My personal and spiritual lives suffer from lack of input from others. In reality one should not have a personal life and a spiritual life. One, I, ought to have a life. A life open to service and also inspection. When my thoughts and emotions are known only to myself, they can become distorted. Drifting from the true and concrete to smattering of hazy, unfettered ideas and wrong thinking. If I’m in a hard place and only turn on inward for my consul and comfort, I have nothing to give myself. I it’s imperative that I reach out to friends or family to secure realistic and compassionate support. In return I can pray and seek God honestly. Right thinking is a result of the love and care of others. It is essential I be humble and receive graciously what God has gifted me. 

Five Minute Friday:Drive

 Recently I was faced with a significant decisions. My fourteen year old grandson needed some extra support academically. He is functional and autistic. He wanted to play high school football in the worst kind of way. Two options, the first logistically and financially way past challenging. The second, enroll him in public school, taking him out of the school and social setting he has known since kindergarten. He could play football at the local high school and get the IEP he needed to give him the education and life skills necessary for him to be successful post high school. Deeply entrenched in his life long comfort place, he was willing to forgo football and stay where he was. Long and short of it, through prayer and counsel, the will of God became clear. And was there ever a battle. 

But God, gently prodded his young heart. And here I sit. Half and hour from home, committed to driving Kaleb to practice four days a week. The future is never for sure. A step of faith and the driving begins. 

Strong

Joshua 1:9.  Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

Above is one of my cling to verses. Many years back someone spoke those words over me. The hard stuff of life was beating me down. I felt as tho I was the losing one at end of the battle. I was commanded at a time of weakness to be strong. To be courageous. To not be frightened or dismayed. All at a time when my heart was discouraged. Terrified and anything but strong. And yet, God said, you will be; strong, courageous, fearless, emboldened. 

How can it be? “For the Lord God is with you wherever you (I) go!”  In fact I was then, as I am today; regardless of how I feel, or think. I am already all the things God commands me to be. Despite circumstances or trials of life. I am because He is. In His weakness I am made strong. 

Five Minute Friday: Order

 Sigh* Yes, order. So I have spent the last half an hour searching for a verse I know is either in Proverbs or Psalms; or somewhere in the Bible. Pretty sure it’s one of those, Psalms or Proverbs. Goes something like, “For where there is order, there is peace.” In my vague memory, the general gist was something like, if your home is in order, tidy, orderly, well managed; then there will be peace in the home. 

Order equals peace. 

I have a girl, like my daughter, who cleans and brings order into our chaotic home. Beds, laundry. Floors. Lunch or dinner when I can’t. The house will be in perfect order when she is finished. And I will breathe peace  Rugs are vacuumed. Clean tablecloth. No dirty dishes or fishing equipment on the counters or dining room table. I like when I come home after she’s worked, I walk in, house smells fresh. I feel at peace. Free to sit outside or take a nap. Rest for my soul. Released from the pressure of doing what was needed, but so challenging for me to accomplish.

 I love order, but it is difficult for me in my home, my family, my mind.  Maybe if  my thoughts were in order, I will have peace of mind. Jesus sends us His peace. And if I am quiet, open to hear and feel His presence I can expect His order and His peace. 

Ok, like the formatting on this disjointed piece. Can’t figure out how to fix it. Not in o