The sabbatical

When I got to the place where my recliner and my pillow were my best and only friends, at least in my own  muddled, scrambled gray matter. Coherent thinking had departed weeks ago.  I became convinced something had to change. Desperation and depression were closing in. Soon I would be more unstable. More than I already was.  

    Sitting in church, proud I had showered, drove alone and gotten inside the building.  Pressing in on. my spirit was the notion that I should maybe get of Dodge. Well, at least out from under the weight of self and life inflicted despair, fatigue, where was God anyway hopelessness. So heavy was the oppression, deciding what socks to wear was to much work. 

    So why write all of it in my blog?  Well where else I guess. 

    I did two things that day in church, well not counting talking to a friend in the bathroom,  I made a flight reservation for Florida, and completed a online grocery order to be picked up on the way home.  And i don’t think I can, multitask. Smh... I called my husband on the way home asking him to make sure the boys would be ready to carry in the groceries. And call and see if I can get into our Florida condo. Tonight. 

    A small fleece I had laid out. If I cannot get in the condo it will be a sign I had not heard God and he would provide another road to my healing.  Not true, exactly. I knew it meant now wasn’t the right time for Florida. Beyond that; there were no thoughts. I received the go ahead. And I did. Go ahead. Packed a quick small. Tiny. Bag. Passed out hugs. And left. I drove myself to the airport. Parked my truck and almost ran to the ladies room. 

  Already I had accomplished much. All on my own I took the initiative to make some some changes in my life. I was excited and a bit frightened at the same time. As I do not want this writing, the telling of my story, to turn into a novel, I need to decide what details to include. 

    Landing in Orlando the warm air held me close. I had arrived.  What would I take home?

   Always in the back of my mind, nagging. Would I do enough. Would I pray enough. Would I exercise. Would I write enough. Would I would I relax. Rest. Would I go home better.  Better than when I had left? 

Would I be enough?  I had set high standards for myself. Do not waste this precious time. Use every minute. To be better. To be enough to show others, but mostly myself, I had done well with my time. The parable of the talents raking through my broken mind. Pushing. 

     Truth be told, also a song (Matthew West) I cling to, convincing myself I am not alone in this battle.  For sanity. For KNOWING Jesus as my savior. Sensing his presence in my life. My day to day.  Guess what, the day to day is where it matters. Believe it or not, that’s what I found. 

     Every morning I woke up. Drank coffee. And Tuesday after I ventured inside a grocery store. Alone  I could eat breakfast on the patio. Something I haven’t done in a couple years, gone inside a grocery or other large store. Big step. Bought food. More than I maybe needed.  

    Locked myself out of my room. Twice. First time, no shoes. No phone. Barefoot staring at the locked door. I could have panicked. I did not. Again a God thing. Deciding if I should walk to the front desk. No shoes. No mask. The sweetest woman was putting her trash in the bin. Half mumbling to myself and her; I share my situation. Here, she says take mine. Take what? Her shoes. Her shoes? Really. So humbled I thanked her and headed to the desk. Shoes a symbol God often uses throughout the Bible. I am wearing, walking in another women’s shoes. If I could have without tripping I would have skipped to the front desk. Of course I returned them. The shoes. But see, He showed up in the small stuff of my journey. 

     Over and over I had the opportunity to revert to panic or despair over the little stuff. Not finding  a chair at the pool. Did something else. Ordered lunch. Made an appointment for a pedicure. Ate. Ordered an Uber. Aloe Vera leg massage. Yes. It was amazing. I then WALKED to the grocery store. I. Even went in. Of course I already talked about that adventure. I had turned disappointment into an adventure. 

     Of course I will never be enough. But He is. Enough. And then some. Instead of despairing, I did something else. Following His leading I got nice nails and avocados. These are the lessons I want to take home. Sandy, if you can make it through the little, what does the Word say, well sort of, I will make it through the bigger. Don’t despair. Do something else. And that was only full day two. Here I sit full day four. Still haven’t told of my new friend from Michigan. I met her at the other pool, where there were enough chairs. And ducks. Yea. In the pool. They wandered in. Took a short swim and paddled back to their muddy pond. Who could imagine. What an adventure. 

    Riding in the helicopter, and that was today I guess. I made another new friend. Spending time with a stranger who became dear to me. All I know is her name. Debra. We shared an adventure. And that was enough. Enough. May always see the enough in the everyday. 

Yes. I prayed. 

I listened to Christian music and sang along. Worshiping. 

I drank water. I did lose track of that. But enough. 

So instead of seeing all of life as too much. 

I now know it is enough. 

And so am I. 

      And hopefully. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get to day three and four. 

Enough for now.