How odd that life can be so difficult; as a Christian, shouldn't I be Joyful in all situations? Giddy with the Love of God? Well, I am not. I am tired. My bones ache with a weariness deeper than pain, a fatigue of the heart as well as the body. My desire is to rise up in the life I am called to live, sometimes the rising up is more difficult than others, today seems to be one of those times. I do not desire to be a martyr, don't want to be remembered as one who suffered for the cause. My desire is to live my life, my way, and have God say it was His Plan. But really, how do we know His Plan? How can I be sure I am suffering for His Glory and not my own? Oh yea, I said I did not want to suffer, or did I? The adulation one receives for doing a hard thing can be intoxicating. Praise and being told you are an inspiration to many can be addictive. It is not all that hard to humbly assure the praiser that really I am not all that worthy; I am just doing the job I have been given. And, I am, doing the job I have been given. Nights like tonight cause me to wonder, "Am I really supposed to be doing this job?" Do I hold on to it because it is the RIGHT THING or because I am too cowardly to stand up and say, "You know what? I should not be doing this." If this "calling" is hurting the rest of my family, my own mental and physical health, is it what God WANTS me to be doing? If it were a case of merely my suffering for the greater good of others that would be an easy question to answer, despite the challenge, I want to do hard things for my God. What I don't want is to keep doing a job that is meant for someone else. Am I willing to remove my hand to let God show His? Or, do I keep pressing in, waiting for His Hand to show me a better way to continue on? I do not want to be a coward, either by continuing on this path or by admitting I am weak and am walking in shoes not meant for my feet. How do I hear God?
I love my little boys, like I have loved all my sons. I want them to have the very best life possible. I am not convinced our home is that very best. I know it is not the best for my husband or my teenage son. I raised four sons to men basically on my own. I should be able to do it again with only two. If this truly were God, would it be so absolutely difficult every day of our lives. Would I not have trained the younger one by now that screaming I hate you and spitting at me is not a good thing? After four years surely I should have been a good enough parent that I could take one small child for milk and eggs and not have the store manager correct that child twice, only to have him run out of the store into a busy parking lot? What kind of parent/grandparent am I? Now, am I slobbering in self pity? Or, is this real frustration? And fear? I need counsel. The kind and supportive lady, one child's therapist, keeps looking me in the eyes and gently reassuring me that, I can do this. I do not need a cheerleader, don't get me wrong, I really like her and she is helpful. But, I do not believe she understands the depth of dysfunction that we walk in. I am not sure this rant is meant to be published. Certainly is not my usual ramble of humor and spiritual quips. Definitely not posting the link on Facebook. If any of my true followers, all two of you, have any input or thoughts I would love to hear from you. I do know I need to talk to a pastor. I know God has a Grand Plan, I know it like I know my name...(no smart comments) it is other folks whose names I forget. But every option open to us, and they are few, has real and major flaws. Please pray for me, for us. For my teen, my husband, and my precious little boys.
3 comments:
This certainly got more serious as it went along. And it's still good writing. A lot of complex thoughts distilled here.
I think you're wrestling with questions that we all do, at one time or another, but certainly to a greater and deeper extent than I, personally, ever have. If only things were as clear as laying a piece of fleece down and waiting for dew to appear (or not).
Talking to a pastor is an excellent idea. There's fundamental issues, here, that overshadow some of the rest.
You know I'm a data guy. I like more, more, more data and assessments. I think there's likely a combination of some neuropsychological and developmental issues with some trauma mixed in. But even if there's a clear diagnosis, that doesn't always help, as far as what to do. Yet being able to name a thing is helpful on it's own level.
And you're probably right: people you're talking to don't understand or appreciate the depths of what you're saying. I used to think I was doing a great job assessing situations and making recommendations. When I ended up on the other side of the equation, trying to implement recommendations, I was astounded at how much more complex things were. As if an hour in my office was giving me the complete picture. As if even being in the homes and spending hours a week with the kids and families still got be the complete picture.
Make sure you're able to describe behaviors... behaviorally. I struggle with this when talking to parents, now: "being a brat" isn't a behavior. "He's gone in and deleted his brother's video game save files in the middle of the night five times, at least... he flicks food at everyone at the dinner table most nights... his tantrums last about 20 minutes and are very intense, where he'll scream himself hoarse, using significant profanity, and he breaks household objects and scratches himself while threatening to tell others that I scratched him..." THAT'S the kind of data that helps.
Let's talk more,face to face, soon! In the meantime, you're renewed in my prayers. You're still an inspiration, for many reasons.
Wow, I am not a fan of the comment box capabilities in this blog. But I did want to respond to this. I am just now reading your post.
I am happy to see your honesty and think that it is necessary in order to move forward. I come from a very private family. That's something that I have learned from you and from your son. There are times for reservation but there are also times to be transparent. I think as Christians that we don't serve each other when we are guarded about our conflicts and struggles. I grew up thinking it was nearly wrong or shameful to tell people about your really true gritty hardships and feelings. Of course there is wisdom in how and when you share things, but there is also freedom and comfort in the body of Christ. For if one of us is suffering, we are all suffering.
I want you to know that I don't take any of this lightly. I have been in prayer for you and the boys and everyone involved for years. I truly see a strength in you, Sandy. It is the kind of strength that would not be possible for a woman that was not being led by a Shepherd. Your ability to create peace among so many men is incredible to me. You consider the feelings of so many family members on a daily basis despite the fact that your physical body consistently works against you.
I wish I had a direct answer for you. I wish I could create a perfect solution. I don't believe that there is a perfect solution because this situation began with so much sin. And whether we wish for it or not, sin has true in-this-world consequences. What I would like to tell you is that not all of those consequences are yours to carry. Does that mean that your household is where the boys should grow up to manhood? That I really can't answer at this time. But I do want to give you a moment to review the situation from an objective standpoint. Consider what you want from life. Consider what would be best for the boys. Consider what is a true possibility and what isn't.
God has taken you and your family through so many trials that I KNOW that he will not forsake you now. Be prayerful. Seek counsel. Be honest with yourself of what you are capable of. Release all of this to God. He is not an angry God waiting for you to make a mistake. He LOVES you. He wants to give you a soul of peace. He wants you to cast your cares on him. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Sandy, you gave me this verse on a plaque that is hanging on my living room wall...... "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Just know that I AM HERE!!
WHATEVER you need!!
Love you, Bev
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