Saturday, November 16, 2013
Saturday, November 09, 2013
Saturday, November 02, 2013
Unmerited, undeserving, unending, unwavering...Grace of God.
For the moment. For this very second, which feels oppressive.
Feelings, which inhabit the moment we exist in; right now.
Who we think we are
Believe we are
Apart from Grace.
I am copying the format.
Grace says, we are not who we think we are.
We are who He died to recreate us to become.
because of Grace.
And feelings, are just
Passing through to mess with
Who we really are.
Perfect in the eyes of the Father
Brother/sister to the Prince of Peace.
Possessing the Power of a Spirit Holy...
More than conquerors
Moms; force behind the next generation.
Redeemed from the foolish words and deeds
That spring off our tongue,
When we forget about Grace.
Grace never forgets me.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
the ordinary is the every day nitty gritty of life, the down on your knees wiping juice up off the worn hardwood floor, the sniffing around in the boy's room looking for the hidden pull up or soggy underpants your nose knows are hidden somewhere. Loving the embarrassed five year old trying to bury the evidence. The ordinary happens when your teen rolls his eyes spitting out some cryptic disrespectful cutting remark and you breath deep into the peace of God praying you don't repay nasty with evil. Ordinary happens in the valley, in slugging away at the daily. Worship, communion with the Savior comes easy on Sunday during corporate worship, on Tuesday morning ladies bible study, when your taking a meal to a new mom or struggling friend. We serve Jesus with joy abundant in the extra ordinary. Sadly, our every day ordinary often suffers neglect and ambivalence. Jesus fill me with the Grace to live in your extraordinary Grace, Love, and joy especially in the dullest of times. Grant me Mercy extraordinary in my daily ordinary so that I might love bigger, live better, by and for Jesus alone.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Not my dad, but a quote I excerpted from a prolife column comment section; cuts right to the heart. Where does your love fall? Who and or what is your first love. Nothing but Jesus will satisfy. Will bring contentment. Peace. Relief from fear. From Anxiety. No one but Jesus fills the empty spaces in your heart. Your life. The deep chiasms of your soul. The world we live in is, "empty pale and poor compared to loving your my lord, so lead me to follow hard after you." Tonight is one of those empty nights, where the people and calling the Lord has placed in my life should fill to the overflow with satisfaction and purpose. Only, I am tired. Bath time looms ahead like some prehistoric ogre waiting to devour my eyeballs and suck my guts out through the empty holes...yes, it is that bad. Not always, sometimes, I only lose the eyeballs, not the corresponding guts. Either way, bath time is followed promptly by bedtime; another Olympic event requiring, strength, stamina, and the fierceness of scarred alley cat. Even now, my orders of shower time, are going unheeded. Time to step it up a bit. Be back later...perhaps.
Sunday, October 06, 2013
I have been writing as long as I can remember; I have paper proof as far back as junior high. During my third failed attempt at a college degree, somewhere around fifteen years ago, an English professor affirmed my secret heart longing; he said I was good. My heart was full to the overflow with the confirmation of a life long dream, maybe I could write something someone somewhere might want to read.
Almost two decades and more than half an adult life later, still I plug along. Five Minute Friday has given my the kick in the rear I needed to at least put some words out there. My commitment to write something every week continues to draw me back. Like tonight the words are sometimes forced and awkward. But to write is one of my great loves. Yes, I love Jesus first, my family, friends, neighbors, and enemies, but writing gives me outlet to express that love, and often the frustrations brought on by all that required loving. Tonight I wish the words flowed easy, instead of crunchy and as I said forced. I can remember when writing was required by some teacher of professor I, often felt then that I got my best stuff in the middle of the night as deadlines approached. Later, I would go back and reread and realize that if I had taken my time and I could have done ever better. So much of life by the grace of God is similar. If I hurriedly rush through my required chores and life duties, God will bless me with a level of success. Children get raised. Dinner gets made. We get up and do it again. But purposed life, purposed writing, will result in great blessing to those around us, and hopefully to even one person who reads a scratched out word or two by a wanna be writer. So let us live, let us write, let us love, in the name of Jesus and trust Him to use our words, and our lives for His Glory.
Friday, September 27, 2013
I do not know how to do this in five minutes. True. What is most true is that living life is hard. For me. For many. Maybe for all? Getting up in the morning is the most difficult, thinking about the day that looms ahead, a day so much larger and scarier than my mind or already weary body can fathom. The future I had anticipated with great faith for the last twenty-five plus years has arrived, and it is not the picture I had envisioned. The day when the joy of the Lord would fill my house, my kids, my husband. The struggles we had endured during our growing up and old years would have passed. Communication that had been nonexistent would be found. Healing words would echo off of walls glazed with the Living Holy Spirit. A peace that passes understanding would permeate the sweet aroma of unconditional abounding love. The hard working husband who had built a comfortable life for his wife and family would have found a safe harbor to anchor his broken and bruised heart, allowing the softness he kept locked tight deep in the dank musty bowls of his life vessel, to break forth. His family, wife, friends would see and experience in this life the true hero that lies within.
All these are true. I am weary. The life I had faith was not the one He had ordained for my good and His Glory.
What is even more true than the most true. Is that I still have faith. A better faith now. A faith that He will complete the good work He began in me. In my husband. In my sons. And in the little grandson who are becoming more like sons every day. It is not my vision that I am in faith for any longer. But a greater Vision that will become mine in time. It is true, I am weary, life is hard. Real Hard. But the Truth is the greatest of all and in Him I will rest.
Friday, September 20, 2013
She, well...growing up my playmates were more likely than not boys. I loved playing army, or building forts in the woods. I wasn't afraid of worms and could bait my own hook from early childhood. I can swing a hammer, run and hand drill, and I even know how to work a level. I could change the oil in my first and second car, even know where the grease fittings could be found and how many pumps each on needed. I used t' could throw a pretty decent spiral.
Female talents for the most part escaped my understanding or comprehension. Don't get me wrong; it was the 70's I liked mini skirts and shorty shorts. Tube tops and halters. I could dress like a girl, just not sure how to act like a girl. Not that I was boyish or not feminine, but to have a conversation about fashion or make up or heaven forbid a dance or date, I was clueless. My tongue wrapped around the wisdom teeth I was born without and my throat dried up shut tighter than the toilet when a teenage son tried to flush a whole roll of paper towels filled with dog barf.
Today I am a wife, mother, grandmother, and when I have the energy and brain cells a pretty good friend. But growing up a SHE was not easy. I know now what I did not understand then. It is ok to be different from everyone else. In fact, God MEANT me to be the way I am. He created me with the gifts and talents that I have to do the work He has set out for me, just for me, special like.
I would rather shovel manure than scrub floors, work with the cows than the laundry, rather wear muck boots than, heels (or any shoe not a boot) I like to cook, but take out is better. Heaven forbid I still not pick my own worm and bait my own hook. I am grateful God that He took the time to design me to be me.
|Selfie with new shades|
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Once agin I have been duped my the cyber gouls. I was published and because of my technically challenged fingers my cmpleted though feebly so is poof gone. So I will attempt to finish this week off. Praise God as long as the sun rises and I still have breath I there will be another opportunity to try again.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Mercy can sometimes be; easy to take, not so easy to give. The work of redemption demonstrated at the cross through the resurrection can be assumed by the Grace conscious Christian. We receive grace and mercy through our salvation and though we all sometimes, me more than I care to admit, can experience condemnation, better know as self pity, when we commit some ugly or public sin. When we grieve the ones we love because of our selfish actions or words it is easy to fall into a, "Woe is me.. I am horrible" mode where what we really want is someone to affirm what we already know, that we are OK because of His Saving Mercy and Grace. To me they kind of go together, Grace and Mercy. Often though, I think it can be easy to meander through our lives living our day to day assuming the Mercy of the Cross, and more often the mercy others offer us when we sin against them, disappoint them, or are just plain ignorant of their obvious need. After all as Christians we walk in kindness and reflect the Goodness and Kindness of our Jesus, so we wound NEVER intentionally offend. Or so we think. But Mercy, begins and ends with how we treat, respond to those closest to us. Only when I am continually conscious of my daily need of the Cross Mercy and am regularly my Merciful God admitting my need for Him, His Work, His Mercy can I pour out my feeble human mercy on those I love. Gratitude for our most precious gift, a passionate acknowledgement of the Mercy we receive daily should in turn be reflected in the mercy we give to other. Forgiveness. Kind words spoken aptly. Generous sacrifice of our precious time. the acceptance and gratitude for mercy given to us. Let us give as those who have receive abundantly and may Mercy abound.
Monday, September 09, 2013
When there is no more, how do we, I, go on? Waking up, thinking of the day ahead, my mind aches with chores, duties, and love that must be given out, drawn up from a well whose dank walls release droplets landing deep into the shallow pool.
A well run long, once fresh and clear, bubbled exuberant
The spring, the source, cut short, stopped up.
Debris and waste once filtered out now dam the cleansing flow that filled the well and drenched the parched.
O return dear Lord and guard the heart the source of life and love.
Refresh the weary. Soften the hardened. Release the flow.
Let love abound.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Friday, August 09, 2013
Saturday, August 03, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Life can be hard. Difficult. Sometimes seemingly impossible. Faith should be the evidence of the unseen. A mystery that allows us to walk with confidence during the hard. Sometimes finding faith is hard. It is for me right now. Still I KNOW in my head what I don't FEEL in my heart. Apart from Jesus I can possess no good thing ..even things the world tells us are good are ashes and dust apart from Christ. Lord, bless my friends who don't know you and are walking in hard, bless them and lend them grace and pull their hearts to you. In faith.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
the last few years I have had to give, lay my life down every day in way(s) I would never have chosen. Jesus has slowly surely stripped away at my ownership of self. I have experienced fatigue, weariness, frustration, depression, abandonment, anger, bitterness; I could go on. All because a few months shy of my 50th birthday Jesus dropped two small boys into my life and said, "cancel your plans for the rest of your life, these babies need a place to belong." Almost two years passed before they became fulltime permanent members of our nearly empty nest; I'm sure God knew I needed that long to crack open my stubborn selfish heart.
Five years later I am more fatigued, more weary, often cranky, and sometimes FEEL very alone. But what I know is because I have given up claim to my life, well...more like it is daily being peeled out of my often clenched arthritis laced fingers, I am finally content in my own skin. When we give our lives away we find them, and we realise we are exactly were we belong. And my little boys, they know where they belong, and they are learning its all because of Jesus. Because Ammie belongs to Him they are safe and just where they belong.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Happy Father's day dear husband. May our sweet Saviour continue to lead us on this amazing adventure.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Would I be a better parent? A better grandparent, cause she would be a great grandparent soon to be seven times. Her words of wisdom and insight so faded from memory, lost in the years buried beneath the turmoil of today. My prayer would be that her words, thoughts, admonishings are implanted in my being beyond the cognizant deep in my innermost.
Do I wish her back from the Presence of the Father? How could I? Her joy complete, her song of praise sweetly ministering to my Jesus. The Jesus who carries me, feeds me, presents me with my every breath and very life; she sits in His Presence. Selfishly, I wouldn't mind a conversation or two. An embrace, some advice on my rocky soil. Eternity is a quick breath away. Whereas each moment here with the ones I cherish a gift beyond compare. To die is gain, it live is Christ. In this imperfect fallen world I can ask for nothing more.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Monday September 29, 2008
Kaleb is asleep; DA is sucking down his evening cocktail of baby formula and rice cereal. Yum, yum! I have just tried to type that four times. My fingers are sure not doing the walking tonight. I swore I would never prop up a bottle for a baby. Oh, well...so many things change. I do have to grab him and burp him or the sleeping may not go so well. He smells so good right now it would be a shame to stink him up with baby puke...fluids again. OK, burping with one hand typing with the other. That's not working so well either.
All is complete. Both babes are sound asleep. Jer brought me some stuff that needs filled out by tomorrow; at least its not two dozen cupcakes or something awful like that. As soon as I get the pics from my camera from my dad's I will post one or two.
Babies keep getting cuter, but I am getting a bit weary. I need my spirit stirred for the long haul. On one hand I cannot imagine not having them, but on the other I am leaning heavily on the Power of God to bring me through this on so many levels. These tiny little people so dependent, so helpless to continue on without their every need being met through the grownups in their lives. The honor, privilege, responsibility of it all is awesome in the overwhelmingly filled with awe kind of way.
And, in a completely different way than the other day I am undone.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
She thinks at least at this moment, she is certain beyond certain that she knows she would die or kill to protect.
The passion of it so strong her heart quickens. the physical, organic, visceral love aches and soars, coursing, throbbing.
But will she live for Him? Will she acknowledge Him in her living, in her laughing? Explain how He catches her tears and especially cherishes the ones unshed, unseen, bitten back.
How good, how kind He is.
Her life and all its stuff is all about Him. Because of Him.
With a grateful sigh she knows it is He who makes the ordinary extraordinary. The fallen upright.
So she can stand.
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
My babies; six grandchildren, soon to be seven. With much anticipation I wait to see if the girls will begin to catch up or will the young men storm ahead continuing to crush the estrogen end or our growing family. During the formative years it was me and the boys...much later in life it again seems like that is my calling in life, to be the odd girl out in a testosterone laced castle where young princes reign and the old king prowls my palace wreaking dirty underwear, grimy dishes, and matchbox havoc. A palace where plants are grown to be uprooted, dishes are washed to be dirtied, and socks are doomed to live solitary lives searching with no avail for their life partner.
So will number seven be counted among the few the feminine or the mighty and masculine? Only our dear Father in Heaven and His Holy Son know for sure. The secret mysteries of the Heavens are revealed to us only when He allows, hopefully baiting a hungry people for more of Him. Filling our spiritual bellies with a glimpse of Forever in a fallen world. Sweet, sweet Jesus, give me just enough so I that I always yearn for More.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Thursday, March 07, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Simpler kinder days, when the future lay ahead, and not dangling behind as a long ago memory. Sullen thoughts for a girl redeemed by the Blood of a loving Savior. Musings tainted with self; self pity, self centeredness, just plain old selfishness. Yuck! Not who I want to be, not who I thought I had worked hard to become. Jesus has rescued me from my own self, and praise God for that.. It is good that I see I am not who I think I am, at least not completely, still need sanctifying. I plead with my God to be always reminding me that all that I am is by His grace alone. All my treasures but trash before a Holy God.
Now, as far as the photos above, that was a bitter sweet day. I love my boy. I love that horse. We all looked pretty darn good that day. And tomorrow will bloom bright and new, regardless of my fickle heart. My thoughts are rambling like the tremble deep in my spirit that begs for a touch, a brushing, a passing nudge from Jesus, a reminder of His love for me, in spite of my self.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
We are grieving, or rejoicing, or lonely, or oddly pensive when the tiny droplets slip silently down a tightened jowl. Embarrassed hoping they have escaped unseen, or prayerfully seeking solace from a trusted friend, our tears beg to be accounted, collected, remembered, honored if only within our own watery soul.
Demonstrating courage, we forge ahead, confident that no weapon, no weariness, no brokenness can stand against the loving sacrifice of our Caring Savior. We are held close, protected and comforted by arms we cannot see yet always confident in their gentle strength that never lets us loose.
Saturday, February 02, 2013
What? What? Really?
Life happens. Children grow up. Leave home. The song is about a love affair, not family relationships. Or friends. Or our health. Or our brain function. Or our agility and mobility. Yet, all of these facets of our simplistically complicated lives ebb and flow; they fluctuate. In my life anyhow, nothing stays the same from one day to the next, and hence the chorus of this tune is often weaving though my thoughts. My constantly evolving family grows everyday. Grows in number and maturity; stature and complexity. As a preschooler proudly presents his paintings and projects so I display the smeary out of the lines canvas of my life and family. Far from perfect but lovely beyond compare; I know the heavenly Father's loving fingers will with gentle brush strokes fill in the blanks and smooth the misshapen until that final day when the picture complete will hang in Glory.
In a nutshell, in case I get, when I get sucked away:
- Life is fragile; eternity is one breath away for all of us
- Love unconditionally, even those you do not really care for. If God has placed them in your life; they are yours to love without question or excuse.
- Loyalty, to our dearest is without a question absolute. Keep confidences, bear offences without wavering in affection. Even when we have no reason to remain, never leave their side.
- life is often really hard . God is good. Always
- Love can hurt and cut like a long hot knife. God will provide the healing balm of his suffering to ease yours
- Loyalty can take many forms, including distance. Be sure it is affirmed and confirmed. Never allow the folks in your life to doubt yours even when space is required to keep love alive.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
How odd that life can be so difficult; as a Christian, shouldn't I be Joyful in all situations? Giddy with the Love of God? Well, I am not. I am tired. My bones ache with a weariness deeper than pain, a fatigue of the heart as well as the body. My desire is to rise up in the life I am called to live, sometimes the rising up is more difficult than others, today seems to be one of those times. I do not desire to be a martyr, don't want to be remembered as one who suffered for the cause. My desire is to live my life, my way, and have God say it was His Plan. But really, how do we know His Plan? How can I be sure I am suffering for His Glory and not my own? Oh yea, I said I did not want to suffer, or did I? The adulation one receives for doing a hard thing can be intoxicating. Praise and being told you are an inspiration to many can be addictive. It is not all that hard to humbly assure the praiser that really I am not all that worthy; I am just doing the job I have been given. And, I am, doing the job I have been given. Nights like tonight cause me to wonder, "Am I really supposed to be doing this job?" Do I hold on to it because it is the RIGHT THING or because I am too cowardly to stand up and say, "You know what? I should not be doing this." If this "calling" is hurting the rest of my family, my own mental and physical health, is it what God WANTS me to be doing? If it were a case of merely my suffering for the greater good of others that would be an easy question to answer, despite the challenge, I want to do hard things for my God. What I don't want is to keep doing a job that is meant for someone else. Am I willing to remove my hand to let God show His? Or, do I keep pressing in, waiting for His Hand to show me a better way to continue on? I do not want to be a coward, either by continuing on this path or by admitting I am weak and am walking in shoes not meant for my feet. How do I hear God?
I love my little boys, like I have loved all my sons. I want them to have the very best life possible. I am not convinced our home is that very best. I know it is not the best for my husband or my teenage son. I raised four sons to men basically on my own. I should be able to do it again with only two. If this truly were God, would it be so absolutely difficult every day of our lives. Would I not have trained the younger one by now that screaming I hate you and spitting at me is not a good thing? After four years surely I should have been a good enough parent that I could take one small child for milk and eggs and not have the store manager correct that child twice, only to have him run out of the store into a busy parking lot? What kind of parent/grandparent am I? Now, am I slobbering in self pity? Or, is this real frustration? And fear? I need counsel. The kind and supportive lady, one child's therapist, keeps looking me in the eyes and gently reassuring me that, I can do this. I do not need a cheerleader, don't get me wrong, I really like her and she is helpful. But, I do not believe she understands the depth of dysfunction that we walk in. I am not sure this rant is meant to be published. Certainly is not my usual ramble of humor and spiritual quips. Definitely not posting the link on Facebook. If any of my true followers, all two of you, have any input or thoughts I would love to hear from you. I do know I need to talk to a pastor. I know God has a Grand Plan, I know it like I know my name...(no smart comments) it is other folks whose names I forget. But every option open to us, and they are few, has real and major flaws. Please pray for me, for us. For my teen, my husband, and my precious little boys.
Friday, January 04, 2013
The above photo shows the brilliance of the morning sun as it shines through a frozen landscape. My prayer today is that the Light of the Lord will break into my cold tired heart and allow the beauty of the day, of my life, of my salvation to illuminate my path, warming my frozen ambition into activity and purpose; lifting me out of my comfortable lazy chair, taking up the mantle placed upon me with excitement and joy, knowing that my living even what I cannot see or sense will produce in myself and those around me a Holy Garden that will nourish and sustain.